I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
two words: eviction party
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
