We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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