either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
