At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
