We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
