this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
