I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
