Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
