I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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