she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
