Swine flu. Run for my life!
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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