There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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