she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
