In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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