Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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