Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
