i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
