happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
