You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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