worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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