just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
