so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
