yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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