dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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