youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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