I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
