Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
