Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
