im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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