im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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