Already got asked if we're dating
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
