yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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