Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
