i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
