the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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