What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
