one two three fourrrrnication!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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