i think i scared a bird with my dick
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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