Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
