Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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