Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
