Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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