worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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