does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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