Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
