so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
