Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
