im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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