There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
