The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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