how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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