So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize