Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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