Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
