did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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