well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
